and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
