umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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