Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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