I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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