He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
