So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
