sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
