I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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