This house was built for laser tag.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
