what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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