the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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