I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
