If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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