you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
