I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
someone owes me an orgasm
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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