So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
