Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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