I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My feet surprised me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
