You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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