life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize