Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
