My underwear smells like fireworks.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
