so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
