I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
