guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
