theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
