What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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