Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
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