i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
