I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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