i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
