Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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