I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
