he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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