I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
