he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
People in love make me want to vomit
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
