I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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