you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
