you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
