just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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