It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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