i just had sex bonerless
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
