drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
