I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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