so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize