By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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