dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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