What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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