I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
