Umm I'm too high to move.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
