dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
