nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
