you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
