It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
