My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's official drugs can't kill me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
