hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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