i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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