I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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