I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
