How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
