Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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