Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
