I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it glows. i had to have it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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