We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
