i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize