The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
