sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
