considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
