apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
